Wednesday, October 11, 2006

The Pucker

You probably know someone who has it. They could be a relative or friend of yours. You feel sorry for them, and wish them well, but can't help but feel a little unnerved. It's like that gaping wound or disturbing deformity on someone that piques your curiosity, but you know it would be rude to ask.

Oh, those pursed lips! Like someone taking a drag on a damp cigarette. Face curled in bitterness and mistrust. You have to wonder what kind of life experiences would lead someone to give themselves such wrinkle lines. Maybe if they told you, you could understand and not hold it against them. Very rarely do they do this, though. It's part of the mistrust, see. If they told you, you would turn right around and use it against them. It's happened before.

Sometimes it's religious in nature. God-fearing people love to have the pucker. What a waste of time to suppose that all religions have equal merit. The hard truth of the matter is that there is only one God, he is on your side, all the others are wrong, and you are justified in any and all uses of violence to destroy the unbelievers. Turn on the AM radio and listen to the preacher tell it how it is. Watch the evangelical shows early in the morning to get your holy boost. God knows you're listening and heeding his words when your face is scrunched up like you just ate a bunch of lemons. Curl those lips, raise your head and wiggle it a little for that extra-righteous touch.

Other times it's the selfishness. When you were young, you had a few moments where you actually felt bad for the person you just shoved to the ground. To stifle the remorse and the regret at having hurt them and stolen their toy, you learn to pucker your lips so no other recognizable emotions show. What a disgusting thought you had when you were younger, thinking that you could get along with the other children. After so many years of hiding your (unnatural) concern for others, your face is permanently held in this sour configuration. You're bound to have lots of friends with a perpetual expression like that.

Can't forget the conservative pucker. This happy face is the result of swallowing the vile truth of the establishment. If it wasn't obvious to you before, it should be now: the point of existence is to be in competition with everything and everyone around you. You vs. the mailman, you vs. the trees, you vs. the sky, etc. The only way to win is to destroy the other and be the last one standing. Oh, that grim face of determination! That unpretentious pucker! The pucker of truth and resolve! It's the face of a man on a mission, and that mission is domination. You can't hope to win if you don't have the right face for it.

But why a pucker? Why not just an evil smile?

Because when we develop in the womb, our anus and mouth are one and the same sphincter. We grow like a donut, filling in the space between our input and output puckers with all the processing equipment. It is a common practice amongst humans to hide the output hole with clothing. The Pucker is a clever way to let everyone know what their assholes look like.

Did I mention they all have bugs up their asses?


Blogger Delta said...

Ha, very entertaining post!

13 October, 2006 11:11  
Anonymous SH said...

I wonder if people personalities do reflect on their faces after some years in some way. After all we do seem to have some kind of a "face reading" brain circuitry built into us. We are more willing to trust some faces and we recoil from others without even saying a word sometimes.

14 October, 2006 14:49  
Blogger Mookie said...


Oh yes, most definitely. We can tell if someone has had a hard life of sadness and suffering and who has had a life of being a jerk and a prude.

19 October, 2006 13:53  

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